January 27, 2012

Reminisce on Rainy Day

It is always raining nowadays and my thoughts have been drifted far away. I cannot concentrate and cannot think clearly. My thoughts have always been disturbed by the memories of your ghost.

I wonder where you are now. I wonder whom you are with. I wonder what you are doing. I wonder what you look like now. I wonder what my life would have been with you...                                                                  
I wonder..

It is silly to know that I am missing you sometime. Its been two years now, yet it seems like yesterday.             

It was raining on November 13. We met in an unexpected time and place. You look so gloomy. I wonder why you look so sad. My friend introduced me to you. I said  "hi". That was the beginning of our love story. I never thought that it will just end in "goodbyes".

I guess that was the introduction of our love story. Just like other stories, the best part is not the beginning nor the ending; it is between the beginning and ending. Sometimes I wish that it was only "hi".The face of the man I used to love so dearly, so gloomy that I wanted to take that burden from you if only I could. Or wanted to share that burden so that it won't be too heavy to carry. I guess, I have played that part anyway. That part was the best part yet, the most painful! It never crossed my mind that if I share your burden or carry your burden, who will carry mine? Who is willing to catch me when I fall?

When it really hurts, I  close my eyes and wish that I have never met you! I wish that I can turn back time when I was young, naive and whole.  The time when I am always curious of true love and fairy tales. I believe so much in this fantasy. It makes me happy and free. I have always anticipate that perfect moment to come, that  I will finally meet my Prince Charming.

Everything changed when you came. I have felt the magic and the world seems to move so fast that I am afraid that time will steal you away from me. I felt that indescribable feeling of fleeting in the clouds when I am with you. I can't hide my smiles and twinkling eyes. It was such a perfect feeling at that time.

But there also goes the saying that there is no permanent in this world. The fear that time will steal you away from me became a reality. I hated time so much! But I also realized that time gave me the opportunity to cherish that perfect moment of "being in love".

I wonder why love is too painful to take. That you have to cry in order to feel the pain. But sometimes, when it is really painful, you cannot shed a single tear. I don't know why. Who won't get tired of crying? Maybe the heart and mind became numb already.That there is no more tears to cry.

Maybe that's apathy. Like after you care so much, after you love so much ,after you cry so much and grieve so much ; there's no room for anything anymore.It's really not advisable to give to much. But others say that if you love, you have to give it all so that you won't have regrets.  I don't think so...

Maybe we are really meant to get hurt...maybe we are meant to meet other people, good or bad... maybe we are meant to find that right person someday... I think it is not bad to hope even a little and to hope for the person to brighten our day like rainbow--after every rainy days. Someone who is willing to catch me when I fall. But I don't want it to be you. I am moving on....

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